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farewell, my dreaming tree.   
03:10pm 16/07/2004
mood: nostalgic
its funny how somethings never change. and others change right before your eyes.

of course, the things that stay constant are things that should change. like someones attitude, or ability to be late to every occasion.

and then the things that change before youve even had a chance to savor then, are things worth holding on to. meeting someone new, and finding out they are moving in two weeks. going through highschool oblivious to the change that lies ahead at graduation and the responsibility that comes along with freshman status. i miss that lack of clearity, as much as i once hated it, sitting in seventh period at chiles highschool, sweaping ms. cohens nasty-ass, art room floor.

almost a year ago, i was an absolutely young and naive child. and i still am, to some degree. a year from today, ill be sitting here writing about how i was naive today. its all relative.
but honestly-- a year ago this month, i was sitting in my house on congressional drive, with my mother banging on my bedroom door with my fresh, and perfectly folded laundry. how obnoxious that was? little did i know that i would fondly look back on those days. packing for new york city with my starry eyes gazed at the picture of me in the city when i literally was a child, i had visions of my life in the city of my dreams. boy was i confused. as amazing as my life is here, its certainly been more of a challenge than i had anticipated to live in a city like this. i just have to remind myself of why i am here, and of the people who made it possible for me. i am incredibly grateful, even on the days when i want more than anything to move back to florida. because it would be easier that way, i suppose. but who says easier is better? i know i wouldnt be happy there. i know that having my mother do my laundry wouldnt be an even trade for going. i am staying.
i suppose its just nice to be able to ramble about the days and months past.
alas, i have overcome the "freahman 15," endured a harsh winter, socialized with people i have grown to love, and people i will continue to hate. and in the end, i have to remind myself that i wouldnt have it any other way.

things are slowly falling into place.
they say it takes ten years of living in new york city to actually be able to call yourself a "new yorker." i am a long way away from that title, but everyday that goes by gets me one step closer to a title i will one day wear proudly.

i started this entry off somewhat lonesome, and nostalgic. ironically, i am ending it feeling a sence of optimism and hope.
i guess a lot really does change.
the "me" of last summer would have gone on and on focusing on the negative, ending the entry in sorrow.

i guess, in the end, i know what i have to do.
i have to change my outlet of thought and creativity. i have to end what i once called my "dreaming tree," a place i used to come to boast, vent, bash and celebrate. i have to move on, and allow myself to truely grow up, in my own way.

my dreaming tree is being cut down, and made into somemore more beautiful and great.
its branches are matured and its leaves green.
my dreaming tree has overcome the harsh change of seasons, and natural disasters.
thank you for being there, my dreaming tree.
my days of swinging amongst your branches are over, but ill always have the memories i have created along the way.
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hot in herre   
09:12pm 16/06/2004
mood: HOT
so ive decided that this extreme heat is whats making me sick.
the other day i was checked into the hospital for being lightheaded, increase in heart rate, and i blacked out. i thought it was from other things, we wont mention, but that ended up okay.
so i left the hospital after 3 IV bags, which is not normal. they said i was really dehydrated and that i took three bags really quickly, meaning my body really needed moisture.

its like 90 something here, and my dad has still not gotten my an AC unit, nor do i like the tap water here. the whole filling the ice trays and shit is too much for me. so ive been drinking a lot less water than i used to at the dorms, and at home.
sooo, yesterday I left Best Buy, and there was a man outside with Deer Park water (the same co. who does Zhyrrhills in FL). They were selling those office type water things... those things with a hot and cold option and the big thing of water that they deliever! Its only 11 bucks a month, and i definetly have room in my kitchen.. so I gave in. they deliver it today.

but now im sitting here soo bitter that my dad told me to get a fan. that ac is NOT a neccessity... whatever dad. he is coming up this weekend to bring me some furnature.. so hopefully he'll see first had how fucking hot it is, amplified by the fact that we will be moving stuff. soo, he better give me the fuckin money this weekend. im not used to this heat... even though im from FL, we floridians go from 60degree house to 60degree house, in a car pumping AC. ny has open windows and you walk everywhere in the 100degree humid heat. its unbearable.

AC is no longer an option. its a matter of health. its a matter of life or death for some. proven by my little visit to the hospital
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i actually have a job...   
04:00am 08/06/2004
  my first day at banana republic was really fun...
i was third highest in sales on my first day... $2000.
thats pretty fucking great.
and i opened a BR card, which takes most people a week or so.
im happy there... and happy to be making $10.50 and hour!

still recovering
dr. appt on wednesday.


that is all.
im tired and on several percocets.
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im not addicted to drugs... im addicted to glamour!   
02:43am 02/06/2004
mood: groggy
take 2 every 4-6 hours
Wait a minute... i thought i was supposed to take 4-6 every two hours...
no wonder these percocets are making me feel AMAZING.

ive been out of comission for a week now... come get me out of here!!

i start my new J-O-B on thursday!
i ended up taking the job at Banana in Chelsea...
Im really excited to start!

come visit me... thurs/fri 5-11pm... saturday 1-10pm!
(8th ave and 16th st.)

Anyway, these percocets have me on a weird schedule and they knock me out... which is fabulous.
now i know why 40-somethings get addicted to these things!

no refills remaining
damn it!
im going to have to say that i lost the bottle and need some more...
will that work? i think not...
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first (real) update in probably months...   
01:17pm 19/05/2004
mood: awake
so im pretty sure this week has been out of control.
ive literally been up for two straight days, on adderall, to get all of work done.
(as we folks in the nyc arent even out of school yet... well some of us arent anyway.)

Im looking at some really good grades though-- straight A's i believe. i suppose that makes it all worth it. ive been totally flakey, and cant really handle it when i cant talk online.. and people get pissed. its so annoying. its AIM, get over it. dont take it so personally.

But the good news is that my credit card was stolen on saturday. i was in kinkos making copies for my art history final, and i turned around to get get my card out of the machine, and it was already gone. i love it! so i called my bank, and they inform me that since i just changed my address in the records because im moving, that they cant close the account or do anything for me for another 10 days, until the new address is verified. aaaand, then itll take 10 days to get a new card in the mail. so all in all, itll be like 20 days without a card. i love that part, best of all. what do people who support themselves do when they get their card stolen, and have to go 20 days without any money at all??

so, im slowly but surely moving into my new apt, in between studying. i have to be out of my dorms by this firday (eek!) and i have lots more to move. luckily my new apt is not far from school at all... two blocks. its amazing! i want some mail to be there when i move in... send me my first piece of mail...
my new address:
264 West 25th Street Apt. 3W
NY, NY 10001

I think im coming to florida sometime really soon to get some stuff for my apt... aka my bed and bedroom stuff. but its somewhat up in the air.

I got a job offer from Bloomingdales, and Banana Republic.
I took the job at Banana because the discount is huge, and because if i worked at bloomingdales, id blow my whole paycheck on things i want there. there are far less things id want at Banana. And the discount at Banana is like 60% and it extends to the Gap. I negotiated my hourly pay too, and Im going to be making a shit load of money. I just want to be able to save up my own money, on top of what my dad gives me.. I want to be able to save up for things, and I want to kill sometime this summer, meet new people and make some mooolaa. Plus, Banana is like three blocks from my apt, where as Id have to get on the subway to go to Bloomies. I think I made the right decision.

Ooo, I cant believe Leslie left on Outward Bound! She is going to have the time of her life. My sister did it for a whole semester, for a time in the arctic, and then in the desert. I hope she has a good time and gets what she wants out of it. I already miss talkin to that girl!

And, just to make you a little jealous (or not): My friend Kim got us BRITNEY SPEARS tickets for July 9. Ill die... i cant even wait.

Yesterday, Joel and I went to SoHo so he could FINALLY get his iPod Mini and I wanted to go to this thrift store there... I found the most amazing WHITE right-above-the-knee length trench. It was $9!! and from Banana Republic originally(and ironically). I love it.

Ugh, and Joel (one of my suitmates in the dorms now) is leaving for the summer tomorrow! Im gonna miss that boy! We have been doing some serious hanging out and we are hilarious together. Its the best time. But his mom works for the airlines, and hes working on getting me a ticket to some see him while he stays with his friend in Scottland! Ive never been to Scottland! I hope it pans out. Ooo, and Happy Birthday to Joel (tomorrow!).

Okay, well im out of here-- back to work. Class in 30.
02:00pm 12/05/2004
mood: amused
check out: www.misshapes.com
click photos
click morrissey afterparty

(for pictures of ME and mike lucia when he visited)
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08:10pm 30/04/2004
mood: amused
i had such an amazing day!
i got up and went to the doctor (not so amazing)
but then came back and went out to lunch with arti.

theeen, i went up to central park!
i can not tell you how beautiful!

its like 70 degrees out today and sunny.
i took my journal and a book and i have never been so relaxed.
i felt really rejuvinated... and im a loser for saying that :)

sooo I move into my apt this week.
serious invite:
come visit me in nyc and stay with me at my new apt!
so much fun.

ok this is lame. later.
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05:27pm 26/04/2004
mood: cheerful

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12:04pm 23/04/2004
mood: amused
1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
...appreciate the 65,300 pieces of art in this building, most tourists chose...

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
my sound sticks

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
Will and Grace

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
Alanis Morrissette and someone tapping above me

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?:
last night, after class, around 9.

8: what are you wearing?:
gap sleep pants.

9: Did you dream last night?
Yes, actually. I was at this function, and these people I didnt know were coming up to me, hugging me and saying "OMG, its so great to see you again." And then my sister was there, and a good friend from home, Nicole and her brother. It was random.

10: When did you last laugh?
Last night on the phone with James.

11: what is on the walls of the room you are in?:
Fashion ads and a few dumb posters... oh, and tack holes.

12: Seen anything weird lately?:

13: What do you think of this quiz?:
too cool

14: What is the last film you saw?:
Texas Chainsaw Masacre, the remake. SOOO SCARY.

15: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
a really big apartment and a packing spot for a car in the city... and id give a lot of it to my mommy. ooo and i really need tennis shoes, some Dior accessories and a spring waredrobe... to name a few.

16: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
i am faking it.

17: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
to make people nicer and to get rid of crime and hate.

18: Do you like to dance?:

19: George Bush: is he a power-crazy nutcase or some one who is finally doing something that has needed to be done for years?:
im not going there... ON LIVEJOURNAL. i can see it now...

20: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
well, if its legal... Grace.

21: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
OF COURSE. junior year...
My Apartment!   
01:43am 22/04/2004
mood: ecstatic
I (finally) signed on an apartment today!!!!

I can not even tell you how excited I am!
its HUGE with hardwood floors and my room is amazing!
it has two big windows
with a cute, cliche fire escape on one of them to sit on, on a nice night!

i cant wait to start moving in and decorate!!
I have it MAY 1!!

you all must come and stay with me sometime!!
its definately big enough!
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why do some (gay) boys feel the need to...   
06:21pm 16/04/2004
mood: annoyed
* refer to themselves as "bois?"
* wear wife beaters with jeans, as if that is a complete outfit?
* think they are hot with that von dutch tote and that faux-hawk?
* talk shit about someone and then sleep with them?
* wear obscene amounts of jewelery, aka pearls, gold and danglie earings? (fyi: if girls cant get away with it, neither can you.)
* claim they work for these major so n so's, when they are really just a fucking intern who gets coffee. (by the way, that rolex was sooo fake)
* walk like a model when really Old Navy wouldnt even take their sorry asses. (are you walking on the runway, or just walking like that girl you want to be?)
* wear trucker hats... enough said.
* buy something reeaaaaally ugly and when questioned say,
"what? its ____insert.desingers.name.here_____!!" and think they've gotten away with it.
* go to FIT and think they are the shit. (another FYI: just because you go to FIT, doesnt mean you are the shit. You have to actually be, "the shit" or be me.)

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01:12am 11/04/2004
mood: crazy
my tattoo is HOT
i finally have some color from laying out on the beach
the word "bronzer" has been entered into my vocab
my hair is fabulous

i can not wait to return to the city!
ive loved seeing people, and the weather and blah blah
but i bleong in nyc and i cant wait to get back

ooo being pretentious is great.
the new Range Rover is tooo fucking hot for words.

ooo, and
my gucci timepiece says in past my bed time.
(no more pineapple and vodka drinkies)
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12:19am 02/04/2004
mood: bouncy

I will be back in tally later today!!
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01:35pm 01/04/2004
mood: accomplished
so i got an offer to move to italy...
and im leaving in two weeks.

i just got back from derolling from FIT.
this is my last entry.

wish me luck.
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and the good news is...   
12:05pm 29/03/2004
mood: chipper
friday is my 19th birthday!!
i am coming to tallahassee on friday!

Until then, this week sucks.
Monday- Test
Tuesday- Styling Project Due
Wednesday- Advertising Project Due / 13 page paper due
Thursday- Strategic Planning MID TERM

I cant wait to see everyone... and relax.

Mail my presents to:
Will Graper
8491 Congessional Dr.
Tallahassee, FL. 32312

:) kidding.... buuuuut, Im not.

i never have anything of interest to say in here anymore...
maybe i should start some drama... >:)
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a new version of you   
12:57am 25/03/2004
mood: contemplative
can you become...
can you become...
a new version of you?
new wallpaper
new shoe leather
a new way home
i dont remember
new version of you,
i need a new version of me.
new version of you,
i need a new version of me.
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just for fun...   
05:24pm 12/03/2004
mood: amused


3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don’t have a mouse pad; laptop



6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN MORNING? “What the fuck was I thinking last night?”



9. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? At least one… I’m no loser. :)

10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Ummm, if its legal…. Grace for a girl, Jake… I can’t think. I have like a million ideas, but I can’t remember. I have them written down somewhere. :)


12. CHOCOLATE OR-VANILLA? Chocolate and Vanilla swirl

13. DO YOU DRIVE FAST? I’m pretty sure that the suspended license in 11th grade is proof of that.

14. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? No… just a million pillows. Some people have their handbag and shoe fetishes, and I have a think for bedding. Don’t get me started.


16. WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? Yukon, bitch. (don’t be jealous)

17. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE? Hmm… well since Ive already met Britney like a million times… Id have to go with Tom Ford, as well. (for all of you non fashionistas, hes the designer for Gucci etc.)

18. FAVORITE FOOD? Asian… one thing you cant get in NYC… good asian, anyway.


20. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Umm… do I eat broccoli?? NO



23. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? I don’t believe so… I thought so… but no.

24. FAVORITE MOVIE? Too many... I hate that question. Donnie Darko is up there though… along with Vanilla Sky.

25. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? ?? what kind of lame ass question is that??



28. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Hahahaha….. riiiiight. Really hot boys wrestling?

29. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Not being successful… balancing my checkbook.


*Couldn’t do 31/32 because they were… “Deleted 31 / 32 because they were stupid”*

33. FAVORITE CD? Obsessed with Juliana Theory and Early November, right now. OOO, and Tales of A Librarian by Tori Amos.

34. FAVORITE TV SHOWS? Weeeell, it WAS Sex and The City… I love the Apprentice, and Queer as Folk is coming back in April.. sooo.

35. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Honey Mustard


37. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? Root Beer or Orange Soda (whoooo loves orange soda? Keeeell loves orange sodaaaa! Haha)


39. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? I don’t use Screen Savers, but my desktop is currently Charlize Theron’s boyfriend in a hot black tee. HAHA

40. BURGER KING OR MCDONALD’s? Chick-fil-a… biiiiiiiach

*** Can you find the two references to Nickelodeon?? ***

(I am guessing Jessie Lee can, since we used to laugh our asses off about shows we watched when we were kids... and then realized that some of them were on like last year! HAHAHA)
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i feel liiiiike...   
05:49pm 11/03/2004
mood: excited
i finally have cute hair.

and that is all for now.
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cute idea!   
12:50am 09/03/2004
mood: amused
W- World On Fire- Sarah McLachlan
I- If You Can't Leave It Be, Might As Well Make It Bleed- Dashboard
L- Losing Hope- Jack Johnson
L- Leather- Tori Amos
I- I Want To Sace You- Something Corporate
A- All That She Wants-Ace of Base
M- Me Against The Music- Britney Spears

G- Good Enough- Sarah McLachlan
R- Rat In A Cage- Smashing Pumpkins
A- An Echo- A Stain
P- Paranoid Android- Radiohead
E- Ever So Sweet- The Early November
R- Remember To Breathe- Dashboard

(shout out to jessica for the idea:))
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my reality   
02:04am 02/03/2004
mood: contemplative
i have come to the realization that college is not only about learning and growing mentally, but its about finding your place in the world.
i was just reading leslie's journal over in blurtyland, and her words got me thinking about how i really feel in this city full of every imaginable person.
granted, i have been thinking a lot about who i am and how i connect with these some 10 million people i encounted each day... but it was good to know that a dearest friend of mine was going through a similar phase in her life as well.... trying to find out who you are, and where you belong.

i guess for so many years i attached myself to so-called teenage melodramas, hoping to have life turn out in the same way... thus, life does not unfold as it does on dawsons creek; there is no begining and no end to an episode, or a storyline. life continues and your thoughts and feelings continue even while you dream. and i supposed i knew of all of this reality nonesence and of this thing we call growing up, but i guess i figured it would be just as easy... or just as hard, but with the aid of skillful writers and dazzling directors; everything would be easily solved.. even if it did take a two-part, "very special" episode. i suppose i knew it was just television, but i speculate on a much greater level, i wished it would be never ending; hoping it would spill over into the reality of a young boy struggling to make his way in a huge city of mimes and noise.

i have reached that fork-in-the-road, with perpetual questions--

for one thing, i did not end up at that college where everyone you know is in the same class, and we see eachother everyday. i didnt luck out and learn that every lead character in my life was appected and attending the same university, just up the road from our homes and lives from previous seasons.
(i did however luck out and move to the city of my dreams.)

they say it in film, and they say it here in the city as well, "New York City is the only city where you can be lonely, while being surrounded by millions of people simultaniously."

i figured i would move here, meet an abundance of inspiring people, and have it made.
but the reality of this melodrama is that there are so many people from every place in the world, it is a melting pot of people, literally. (this should be a positive thing.)
to add salt to the wound, i attend a school that is so afraid to get close to their other classmates, they are missing out on some really quality people. i pictured this campus of people who had similar interests and we would just click.
i walked into a picture that resembled more of a classroom at harvard... as in everyone is competing with one another for the "it" internship. (at FIT we are competing for the "it" internship as well. however, here we also compete for the "it" outfit and accessory. who cares about the job if youre outfit is fabulous, right?!?) and im sorry, but i had the "it" outfits in highschool and felt like i was pretty popular... the real "shocker" is that EVERYONE was that same bitch in highschool.
uhh, i digress. :)
the real fork is that im at a place where i need to make decisions about the people i feel will be real friends, people who will always be there for you.. and believe it or not, its pretty damn difficult to do here. seriously.
the real task is just weeding through the not-so quality people, for the people who are genuine and inspiring and hilarious and intellectual and... well, similar to my friends back in florida. and i cant help but compare... i loved highschool and the absolutly responsability-free life, full of milkshakes, and drama, and driving around, and bookstore, and stomach aches from laughing so hard.

the reality of this entire situation is that those kinds of friends are few and far between. they are hard to find and those are the people that will be there forever.
it takes a little longer here to find them here, because there are more people to weed through, i guess.

the reality is that the average human being only finds a handful of those kinds of friends as an adult... those people that you stay connected to you endlessly.

the reality... the reality... this is my reality.
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